Monday, August 2, 2010

On Raising Kids...

This morning I was reminded on how much we look at 'the experts' around us to solve the challenges we face in motherhood / parenthood.  As parents we spend a lot of time trying to 'figure it out'.  Whatever 'it' may be.  And by the time we do (figure it out), our little ones have changed and decide to mix things up again.  We look at the people around us and compare our children to others:  "So-and-so walked at 10 months.  Why isn't my child walking yet?  He's 14 months already".  And there we go: we dive into the books, we call our pediatrician, and worst of all: we 'Google' our concern.  Though the internet is a wonderful place to get a lot of information, it can also be a place that can worry you for no good reason.

Long story short: we get so wrapped up in 'figuring it out' that we sometimes forget to just enjoy the moment.  I have written two posts about that since I started blogging and I often return to read them.
Living In The Moment
Enjoy Them, They Grow Up So Fast
It always puts me back with my feet on the ground, while it breaks my heart at the same time, realizing that my kids are growing up so incredibly fast.  (Sometimes faster than I'd like them to).


All this reminded me of a piece that Anna Quindlen, Newsweek columnist and author, once wrote and I wanted to share it.  I am pretty sure that some part of this will ring a bell for every.single.parent. who reads this.

On Raising Kids...

by Anna Quindlen

If not for the photographs, I might have a hard time believing they ever existed. The pensive infant with the swipe of dark bangs and the black button eyes of a Raggedy Andy doll. The placid baby with the yellow ringlets and the high piping voice. The sturdy toddler with the lower lip that curled into an apostrophe above her chin.

All my babies are gone now. I say this not in sorrow but in disbelief. I take great satisfaction in what I have today: three almost-adults, two taller than I am, one closing in fast. Three people who read the same books I do and have learned not to be afraid of disagreeing with me in their opinion of them, who sometimes tell vulgar jokes that make me laugh until I choke and cry, who need razor blades and shower gel and privacy, who want to keep their doors closed more than I like.

Who, miraculously, go to the bathroom, zip up their jackets and move food from plate to mouth all by themselves. Like the trick soap I bought for the bathroom with a rubber ducky at its center, the baby is buried deep within each, barely discernible except through the unreliable haze of the past.

Everything in all the books I once pored over is finished for me now. Penelope Leach., T. Berry Brazelton., Dr. Spock. The ones on sibling rivalry and sleeping through the night and early-childhood education, all grown obsolete. Along with Goodnight Moon and Where the Wild Things Are, they are battered, spotted, well used. But I suspect that if you flipped the pages dust would rise like memories.

What those books taught me, finally, and what the women on the playground taught me, and the well-meaning relations --what they taught me, was that they couldn't really teach me very much at all. Raising children is presented at first as a true-false test, then becomes multiple choice, until finally, far along, you realize that it is an endless essay. No one knows anything. One child responds well to positive reinforcement, another can be managed only with a stern voice and a timeout. One child is toilet trained at 3, his sibling at 2.

When my first child was born, parents were told to put baby to bed on his belly so that he would not choke on his own spit-up. By the time my last arrived, babies were put down on their backs because of research on sudden infant death syndrome. To a new parent this ever-shifting certainty is terrifying, and then soothing.

Eventually you must learn to trust yourself. Eventually the research will follow. I remember 15 years ago poring over one of Dr. Brazelton's wonderful books on child development, in which he describes three different sorts of infants: average, quiet, and active. I was looking for a sub-quiet codicil for an 18-month old who did not walk. Was there something wrong with his fat little legs? Was there something wrong with his tiny little mind? Was he developmentally delayed, physically challenged? Was I insane? Last year he went to China. Next year he goes to college. He can talk just fine. He can walk, too.

Every  part of raising children is humbling, too. Believe me, mistakes were made. They have all been enshrined in the, "Remember-When-Mom-Did Hall of Fame." The outbursts, the temper tantrums, the bad language, mine, not theirs. The times the baby fell off the bed. The times I arrived late for preschool pickup. The nightmare sleepover. The horrible summer camp. The day when the youngest came barreling out of the classroom with a 98 on her geography test, and I responded, What did you get wrong? (She insisted I include that.) The time I ordered food at the McDonald's drive-through speaker and then drove away without picking it up from the window. (They all insisted I include that.) I did not allow them to watch the Simpsons for the first two seasons. What was I thinking?
But the biggest mistake I made is the one that most of us make  while doing this. I did not live in the moment enough. This is particularly clear now that the moment is gone, captured only in photographs. There is one picture of the three of them, sitting in the grass on a quilt in the shadow of the swing set on a summer day, ages 6,  4 and 1. And I wish I could remember what we ate, and what we talked about, and how they sounded, and how they looked when they slept that night. I wish I had not been in such a hurry to get on to the next thing: dinner, bath, book, bed. I wish I had treasured the doing a little more and the getting it done a little less.
Even  today I'm not sure what worked and what didn't, what was me and what was simply life. When they were very small, I suppose I thought someday they would become who they were because of what I'd done. Now I suspect they simply grew into their true selves because they demanded in a thousand ways that I back off and let them be.
The books said to be relaxed and I was often tense, matter-of-fact and I was  sometimes over the top. And look how it all turned out. I wound up with the three people I like best in the world, who have done more than anyone to excavate my essential humanity.

That's what the books never told me. I was bound and determined to learn from the experts. It just took me a while to figure out who the experts were....


Erica K. said...

So sweet, I love this! Thanks for posting Marieke.

Emily said...

Love this post!

Melanie said...

Lost it!!
Stopping by to let you know I gave you an award on my blog
Can't wait to read more :)Enjoy your day!

Melanie said...

That was supposed to be LOVE it..Sorry about that!

TV's Take said...

Great post! I always read "those" books but find I always end up doing what feels right for her/me. Sometimes I want KLV to be 3 so we can get out of the crazy toddler stage but I'm going to regret not loving her innocent curiousity now. Your post reminds me to enjoy what we have now...thanks!

Dave said...

What you and Anna Quindlen have touched on here, M, is that we are often so busy "doing" we forget about our "being." And appreciating the ephemeral moments we have -- esp. with our kids -- (and all of our loved ones, actually) is like the moments themselves: rich, resonant and deep if we only pause long enough to focus on them. Great reminder!

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