Monday, May 17, 2010

May 13: Living in the Moment

Being a mom is so incredibly fascinating: for the past several nights I have continued to make anywhere between 4-8 trips into Ryder's room nightly to soothe, re-swaddle, 're-pop' the paci, change a diaper, help fall asleep - you name it, I've done it (except feeding as Ryder luckily doesn't need to eat anymore during the night).  After several of these nights in a row, during which sleep happened for me in intervals of no longer than an hour, I am exhausted; my body aches, I have a headache, cramps and am just feeling 'blah' (for a lack of a better description).  You would expect that the last thing I would want to have happen is to continue my little trips into the nursery during the daytime.  Don't get me wrong, I would rather not and I'd prefer Ryder took a good long nap to catch up on what he lacked during the night, but when I was on my way home from having visited a friend of mine who had had her little girl this past weekend and David told me that Ryder had been waking up and crying a lot, I realized that there was a part of me that was looking forward to taking that little munchkin in my arms, sitting down with him in the glider and soothing him until he would fall asleep in my arms.

When I walked through the door, I was welcomed by Ryder screaming and David flustered, yet relieved about my arrival.  Despite having 2 kids now and having had my fair share of crying / screaming and squealing, it sometimes still is a mystery why they cry or are so upset to the point that you think their world has come to an end for them.  And sometimes you just give up trying to figure it out and accept that they 'just cry'.  This was one of those moments.  I could contribute it to so many things, but it's not even worth it as that list is just too long.

Obviously, those first few minutes upon entering the room weren't that enjoyable: crying, squirming and pushing - no, not my idea of enjoying motherhood, but what usually follows is just amazing.  There is nothing better than holding your baby in your arms, watching him get comfortable, relaxing and eventually falling asleep.  No matter how sleep deprived I am, no matter how badly I should be taking a nap, I give that all up in an instance in order to feel the warmth of my baby on my chest, to hear the soothing sound of his breathing and to just observe and enjoy this precious little 'being'.

I have to admit that pretty much every day I look forward to the children taking their nap: kids asleep = mommy being productive.  'Cause let's fact it: on an average day the 2 hours that they are both down and the few hours after they go down for the night are the only hours that mama can really do stuff.  Unfortunately, those few hours are just not enough to make it through my never-ending list of to-do's.  In the beginning I would find myself get slightly bothered when, during nap time, one or both of the children wasn't taking their nap 'as they were supposed to'.  It meant that I wasn't getting my stuff done.  It's hard when you see your to-do list grow and grow and you are aware that the amount of time that you have in which to complete this ever growing list of 'to do's' is so very limited.  Then, when those few hours get reduced even more because one or both of them aren't napping, it is easy to become irritated, annoyed, upset, whatever you want to call it.  However, when I reflect on the past 2 years AND these past 3 months in particular, I have come to the conclusion that nothing is more important than taking that moment (or that hour for that matter) to soothe my baby, sit with him in the glider and just admire his beautiful chubby face while he relaxes and finally falls asleep (again).  These moments are limited.  They are gone before I know it and when they are, I will wonder "where did they go?  What happened to my baby and where all of a sudden did this toddler come from?"  I want to cherish these moments and have decided that no matter how much time I spend on my 'to-do' list, it continues to get longer and longer anyways.  Instead, I want to soak up these moments of togetherness with my baby boy, because before I know it, my baby isn't a baby anymore.


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