My Dearest Kai

My Dearest Kai,

As I am starting to write this, I don't even know exactly how this letter is going to unfold.  The main point that I am trying to make is to tell you that I love you with all my heart.  I have never been more scared than yesterday and the events that unfolded will be with me for a long, long time to come.  Let me start out by saying that I am very grateful that you are okay.

Because Daddy was away for 3 days, Mommy needed some adult time to stay sane, so in the morning I told you that we would be going over to see your godparents, godbrother and godsisters that afternoon after lunch.  You got so excited that at 10am you decided that it was time for lunch. 

You'd been asking for your godsister and your godmummy the whole morning and finally the moment had arrived when at 1pm we got to their house.  Ryder decided that he wasn't going to nap either, so Mommy moved the pack 'n play to the outside patio where we were sitting by the pool.  He was a lot more content there than inside. 

You and your godsister were playing at the other side of the pool and then it happened.  I don't know what exactly, but all I remember was seeing you with big eyes go through the air and fall into the deep end of the pool.  The thing that every mom fears was happening to me.  The thoughts that went through my mind in the seconds it took from leaping in the pool to getting to you were absolutely terrifying.  I don't know why I didn't run around the pool, which in retrospect would have been faster, but this wasn't me acting, it was my intuition and adrenaline combined.

I don't think I ever swam any faster than I did at that moment, but luckily your godmummy got there just before me (she did run around the pool) and pulled you out holding you on one arm.  Similarly to when you were born, the sound of your cry was such a relief.  I had a hard time controlling my emotions as I hugged you and held you.  All I wanted was to hold you and never, ever let you go again.

15 minutes, lots of hugs, kisses, a sippy cup with apple juice and a bowl of goldfish later, you were fine and running around like nothing happened.  I on the other hand was still shaking. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent laughing, playing and wrestling with your godsister and godbrother.  Dinner was great and one of the most beautiful moments of the evening was when I looked through the window and saw your godbrother playing with you and tossing you in the air over the sofa.  The smile on your face was one of a toddler boy who was happy, excited and without any worries.  It warmed my heart and at that moment I knew you were fine.  I am so incredibly grateful:  grateful for you and your brother, for you godmummy pulling you out of the water, for your godbrother playing with you and bringing so much joy to your evening, for the wonderful friends I have who have me over when Daddy is out, for our life in general.  I am very grateful.

When we got home, I first put your brother to bed, while you watched a movie.  Once he was down, it was such a delight to cuddle with you on the sofa and watch a bit more of the movie.  Unfortunately, every time I closed my eyes, the one thing that I saw was you in the water, being under with just an arm coming out of the water trying to find something to grasp on to.  The image terrifies me.  The thought of what could have happened terrifies me.  But what matters, is that you are okay. 

Last night was rough, but I promise that the dreams will go away.  Until then, you just let me know and I will cuddle with you in your little toddler auto bed (which is waaayyyy too small for your 6ft. Mommy) so you can fall asleep. 

My little man, I love you with all my heart.  I wish that I could hold on to you and your brother forever.  To keep anything from happening to you.  It's the Mama-Bear in me as your father would say.  Yet, I know that is impossible to do.  I promise to not become anxious about things, to let you go and allow you to explore, but I can't promise not to worry.  Afterall, I am your Mommy.

My Dearest Ryder

My Dearest Ryder,

What a day it has been.  I just want to take a moment to share with you how incredibly awesome you are and how blessed I am for you having chosen me as your mommy.

The morning started out rough, I know.  No one likes to be poked by the 'evil' nurse (she's actually a real nice girl), let alone twice.  It seems very contradictory and it will be a while before you really get this, but those vaccinations...(I know this sounds sadistic) were because I love you.  No, it wasn't my intention of showing you my love by having you poked, but I am trying to keep you from getting sick.  I'd prefer a healthy happy Ryder, you know.

When we came home, we had some delicious sweet potato.  Oh, how you devoured half of that jar.  We're still only on day 2 of the sweet potato, so I didn't want to give you more than half a jar.  You practically ate the spoon!  I hope that this passion for food will remain with you your entire life, Sweetheart.  Mommy loves to cook and there is nothing better than cooking for boys who love to eat.

Then there was the nap.  It really didn't take you long at all to fall asleep and what a beautiful nap you had.  From 1-4pm.  Your brother woke up around 3, at which point he and I decided to bake cookies together.  When you're a bit older, we'll all bake cookies together.  I am sure you will absolutely love them.  (And if you don't then that's okay as well, as that means, more for Kai, papa and me.)

On our stroll around the neighborhood you were a delight.  Looking around in amazement at all the exciting things going on around you: tree trunks, squirrels running up and down them, leaves moving around on their branches in the wind, a neighbor cooing at you in amazement (because you're such a big boy), your brother running around your stroller pushing his 'auto', dogs barking from behind fences (which really didn't disturb you by the way) and cars passing.  You soaked it all in.

When we came home and mommy started cooking, you hung (literally) with papa in the Baby Bjorn.  Watching Kai run around without a diaper (he has a bit of a rash) was exciting and seeing Buster climb the slide was reason for giggles.

When mama, papa and Kai were having dinner you had enough and decided it was time for some 'splash splash' (bath time).  I understand.  Mommy was running a bit behind.  Enough reason for some complaining.  'Splash splash time' was fun as always: kicking and splashing water everywhere, oh how fun that is!  Mommy's pony tail is the object of fascination and lots of laughs, especially when it tickles you, right after the bath, when you're all toweled off and in your diaper.  You get so excited.  Enough reason for mommy to hold on to her long hair for now.  Ah, and then the massage...the bedtime lotion smells so nice and there is hardly anything else that relaxes you more than a leg and foot massage.  (Can't blame you!  I'm right there with you buddy.)

And then there was MILK.  Glorious MILK!!  Ah, the perfect ending to a perfect day.  You devoured a 'standard' 10 oz. (I honestly do not understand where you put it My Love), after which you fell asleep in my arms.  It's been a while since that happened.  For the past few weeks you squirm so much that I put you down in bed wide awake, after which you fall asleep by yourself (easily, I must say).  Well done on learning that so quickly lovey!  You mastered that in just a few days!!!  I'm proud of you.  However, tonight was different.  I think you were so exhausted from today that you just fell asleep before the thought of squirming popped up into your head.  It was lovely.

I maneuvered you in a way that your head rested on my chest.  You fit in a way that allowed me to wrap you up in my arms and have you be comfortable up against me.  As I realized what a precious moment it was, I had a hard time keeping the tears that rolled down my cheeks, from falling on your sweet, peach-fuzz covered head.  I could have stayed in that rocker with you sleeping and grunting on my chest for the entire night, but...tonight is my date night with papa, so I figured I shouldn't spend it the entire night in the nursery.  By the way, your grunting is so adorable.  I hope to some time catch it on video.

My Dearest Ryder.  I love you more than words can describe.  I cannot tell you how blessed I am to have you in my life.  To be your mommy.  To teach you, to guide you and to love you.

Thank you for picking me as your mommy.

With all my love,

Mommy