My Dearest Kai

My Dearest Kai,

As I am starting to write this, I don't even know exactly how this letter is going to unfold.  The main point that I am trying to make is to tell you that I love you with all my heart.  I have never been more scared than yesterday and the events that unfolded will be with me for a long, long time to come.  Let me start out by saying that I am very grateful that you are okay.

Because Daddy was away for 3 days, Mommy needed some adult time to stay sane, so in the morning I told you that we would be going over to see your godparents, godbrother and godsisters that afternoon after lunch.  You got so excited that at 10am you decided that it was time for lunch. 

You'd been asking for your godsister and your godmummy the whole morning and finally the moment had arrived when at 1pm we got to their house.  Ryder decided that he wasn't going to nap either, so Mommy moved the pack 'n play to the outside patio where we were sitting by the pool.  He was a lot more content there than inside. 

You and your godsister were playing at the other side of the pool and then it happened.  I don't know what exactly, but all I remember was seeing you with big eyes go through the air and fall into the deep end of the pool.  The thing that every mom fears was happening to me.  The thoughts that went through my mind in the seconds it took from leaping in the pool to getting to you were absolutely terrifying.  I don't know why I didn't run around the pool, which in retrospect would have been faster, but this wasn't me acting, it was my intuition and adrenaline combined.

I don't think I ever swam any faster than I did at that moment, but luckily your godmummy got there just before me (she did run around the pool) and pulled you out holding you on one arm.  Similarly to when you were born, the sound of your cry was such a relief.  I had a hard time controlling my emotions as I hugged you and held you.  All I wanted was to hold you and never, ever let you go again.

15 minutes, lots of hugs, kisses, a sippy cup with apple juice and a bowl of goldfish later, you were fine and running around like nothing happened.  I on the other hand was still shaking. 

The rest of the afternoon was spent laughing, playing and wrestling with your godsister and godbrother.  Dinner was great and one of the most beautiful moments of the evening was when I looked through the window and saw your godbrother playing with you and tossing you in the air over the sofa.  The smile on your face was one of a toddler boy who was happy, excited and without any worries.  It warmed my heart and at that moment I knew you were fine.  I am so incredibly grateful:  grateful for you and your brother, for you godmummy pulling you out of the water, for your godbrother playing with you and bringing so much joy to your evening, for the wonderful friends I have who have me over when Daddy is out, for our life in general.  I am very grateful.

When we got home, I first put your brother to bed, while you watched a movie.  Once he was down, it was such a delight to cuddle with you on the sofa and watch a bit more of the movie.  Unfortunately, every time I closed my eyes, the one thing that I saw was you in the water, being under with just an arm coming out of the water trying to find something to grasp on to.  The image terrifies me.  The thought of what could have happened terrifies me.  But what matters, is that you are okay. 

Last night was rough, but I promise that the dreams will go away.  Until then, you just let me know and I will cuddle with you in your little toddler auto bed (which is waaayyyy too small for your 6ft. Mommy) so you can fall asleep. 

My little man, I love you with all my heart.  I wish that I could hold on to you and your brother forever.  To keep anything from happening to you.  It's the Mama-Bear in me as your father would say.  Yet, I know that is impossible to do.  I promise to not become anxious about things, to let you go and allow you to explore, but I can't promise not to worry.  Afterall, I am your Mommy.